Forgiveness In the Fire: How Suffering Shapes Grace.
Trigger Warning: SA story in the opening 2 paragraphs. If this is a difficult topic for you, please take care of yourself as you read, or skip to the next topic titled “The weight of suffering: Why suffering feels impossible”.
“But we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because Gods love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” – Romans 5:3-5
The tension between pain and forgiveness -
Forgiveness is a beautiful idea in theory, but when we’re the ones who have been wounded, grace feels impossible. Pain doesn’t ask for mercy – it demands justice. And even after the moment of betrayal has passed, the scars can linger, especially when the wounds run deep. Yet, in the space between suffering and grace, we face a choice: to carry the weight of resentment or to embrace the freedom that forgiveness offers.
There was a time in my life when someone took something from me that I could never get back. I was 18, just a kid left feeling shattered, confused, and ashamed with anger and fear intertwined. In the aftermath, I was manipulated into thinking forgiveness was synonymous with “pretend like it never happened”. Ignoring the pain felt like thorns piercing my sides that I expected to grow into roses by leaving them unattended. For the next 7 years those thorns were buried as far as I could put them. Those suppressed feelings clawed, scratched and cried out, demanding attention. So, I gave it expression through destructive mentality, leading to destructive behavior. In my mind, forgiveness would disarm me and leave me vulnerable to more abuse. To judgment. How could I forgive when the scars of that moment still shaped my life? I wrestled with those feelings for almost 8 years. Groaning as I held onto my pain wondering, Jesus, why me?
God is a God who sees. Our suffering breaks him. It goes against the very nature of his heart. In John chapter 11, we see the sorrow Jesus felt when he watches Mary and Martha weeping over the death of their brother. Jesus allowed Lazarus’ death to happen because raising him from the dead was a bigger miracle than simply healing his illness, resulting in MORE people who would come to know the Lord. There is purpose to your pain. As you read through this post, I encourage you to look at your suffering through the lens of Christ.
The weight of suffering: Why suffering feels impossible -
Suffering often feels impossible because it shakes the very foundation of what we believe about life, justice and even God. It challenges our sense of control and suddenly – we’re faced with immense pain we didn’t choose, wounds we can’t erase, and questions that don’t have easy answers, if any. We suffer as a result of sin; our own sins, the sins of others, or the sin of simply living in a fallen world. We cry out in agony asking Jesus, why me? Suffering is isolating, we feel as if no one can fully understand the weight of the cross we carry. Suffering is unrelenting, demanding confrontation when burying our grief, anger, resentment and fear feel better. Suffering challenges our faith, begging answers from God if he really is good, why healing takes so long, and why he allows such deep agony to roam our lives.
Christs forgiveness in suffering -
Jesus knows all too well what depths are required to forgive. When He was nailed to the cross, blood dripping down his face, mocked by those He had come to save, the words that left his mouth were not to condemn, but instead show mercy. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” – Luke 23:34. If we always knew why we were suffering our faith would have no room to grow. Faith amidst our suffering exalts what God has done. I wish I could tell you following a life closely behind Jesus eliminates hardship. Instead, it provides us with opportunities to show others the depth of love He had for us. Jesus showed us that forgiveness isn’t what others deserve; it’s about who WE are in Christ. It’s about choosing mercy when justice seems more satisfying. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – Romans 3:23. Jesus chose to forgive our sins; past, present and future for all of eternity. None of us who walk this earth deserve the gift of life Jesus paid for.
The healing power of forgiveness: Steps to heal amidst pain -
The healing power of forgiveness is profound, but not instant. It’s a journey. Forgiveness is releasing someone for what we believe they owe us from past experiences or transgressions. I also want to point out forgiveness and reconciliation are different. Forgiveness requires one person whereas reconciliation requires two people and trust must be restored. I do not encourage reconciliation for relationships/circumstances that brought physical or emotional abuse. Forgiveness does not mean opening the door to that person playing an active role in our lives, it does not mean what the perpetrator did was okay, and you do not have to give someone access to you just because you have forgiven.
Before we can forgive, we have to be honest about what happened. Too often we rush into forgiveness without processing our hurt, which can lead to suppressed pain rather than true healing.
Allow yourself to feel – anger, disappointment, grief.
Recognize the impact – how has this pain shaped you emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?
Give yourself space and time to heal – healing after forgiving is where the journey really begins. It is not weakness, it is strength.
Biblical Reflection – Even Jesus acknowledged His suffering on the cross: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? “– Matthew 27:46. Honesty before God is part of the healing process. There are endless stories of people in the Bible who wrestled with God and their emotions. I encourage you to do the same.
Therapy – I went to therapy to help guide me through the healing process as I had no idea where to start. Please seek help where it is needed.
Release the desire for revenge or justice.
Understand that justice belongs to God – “Do not repay evil with evil… ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay’, says the Lord” – Romans 12:19
Unforgiveness keeps you tied to the pain – when we hold onto resentment and control, we let the past continue to harm us.
From suffering to freedom -
To my readers: God sees your pain, He understands your struggle, He knows how empty you may feel, and He will walk with you through the trenches. He paid for your life with His own. The depth of His love for you is unfathomably large. There will come a day when we will be standing at the feet of Jesus in the kingdom of Heaven, and we will see the holes in his hands and ask ourselves, Jesus, why me.